“Love is long suffering, and is kind; love has no envy, love is not boastful, love does not behave itself inappropriately, seeks not its own, is not easily provoked, thinks no evil, rejoices not in injustice, but rejoices in the truth; love bears all things, believes everything, endures everything” (1 Cor 13: 4-7).

In the Garden of Eden, man became a living being through the life that God breathed into him (Gen 2:18-25). Man was unique in that he was made in the image of God. He had dominion over all the other creatures. But the omniscient God was aware of man’s loneliness. Man could not have a meaningful companionship with any of God’s creatures. As the book of Genesis clearly says:

“It is not good for man to be alone.
I will make a suitable helper for him’ (Gen 2:18).

Without a woman, man could not realize his full humanity. God then laid down the pattern for all future marriages (Gen 2:24). Marriage leads to the formation of a new family unit and is an inseparable union into “one flesh” (Melendez, W., 2005). It calls for an emotional readjustment which excludes even father and mother. There is love, joy and purity in it- the purity that knows neither shame not fear (Gen 2:25). It is sacred and indissoluble (Matt 19:6), and it is heterosexual (one man for one woman). When a man and a woman are married, they stand before a room of witnesses and proclaim their commitment to a lifetime of love. They recite a sacred vow, “to have and to hold… from this day forward…to love, honor, and cherish….for better, for worse…for richer, for poorer…in sickness and in health…as long as we both shall live.” It’s a happy day, perhaps the happiest in their lives. And yet, once the honey moon ends, once the emotions of courtship and engagement subside, many couples realize that “falling in love” and building a good marriage are two different things (Lewis, R. & Boehi, D., 2001). Keeping those vows is much more difficult than they thought it would be. Otherwise intelligent people who would not think of buying a car, investing money, or even going to the grocery store without some initial planning enter into marriage with no plan of how to make that relationship succeed. But God has already provided the plan, a set of blueprints for building a truly God-honoring marriage. His plans are designed to enable a man and a woman to grow together in a mutually satisfying relationship and then to reach out to others with the love of Christ. Ignoring this plan leads only to isolation and separation between husband and wife. It’s a pattern evident in so many homes today: Failure to follow God’s blueprints results in wasted effort, bitter disappointments, and, in far too many cases, divorce. Though the marriage relationship as God intended was ruined through disobedience in the Garden of Eden (Gen 3:16), God did not give up His plan for a perfect marriage. The life and death of Christ helps us to understand the meaning of a true Christian marriage. The love and fellowship that unites Christ with His church should be reflected in the love that unites the husband and wife (Eph 5:22-31). Thus, through Christ who loves us, the Christian marriage has retrieved the beauty and purity of the first marriage, as it was envisaged by God. The man and woman who enter marriage merely because they have “fallen in love” will realize soon enough that they are building their relationship on a shaky foundation. “Falling in love” is not an act of the will. It is a question of the heart ruling over the head, and involves a definite sex-related erotic feeling (Thomas, J., 2001). According to Abraham Maslow, it is a “peak experience”. But it must convert into a “plateau” experience if it is to bring stability to a marriage. (Thomas, J. 2001). Scott Peck calls “falling in love” a foretaste of the more lasting ecstasy that is possible through a lifetime of love (Peck M. S., 2003).

Marriage is a “Mystery”.
It is essential for the couple contemplating marriage to know what exactly marriage really means. In Ephesians 5:22-32, Paul explains the Christian view of marriage. He concludes by saying, “This mystery is great…” Thus, he acknowledges that marriage is a mystery. In Paul’s time, the word mystery had a more specific meaning than it does today. Then, it had religious associations. It denoted a form of knowledge that conferred valuable benefits but was restricted to a special group who were bound together by their religious practices. (Prince, D. 1978), For a person to have access to this knowledge, he had first to be initiated into the group. Thus, Paul’s use of the word mystery to describe the marriage relationship suggests two things: first, that there is little-known form of knowledge which can make marriage what it ought to be; second, that a person can only acquire this knowledge by undergoing certain tests and meeting certain conditions. In the book of Deuteronomy, when the children of Israel were ready to enter into their promised inheritance in the land of Canaan, Moses reviewed for them the kind of lifestyle God had planned for them in their new environment. He promised them, on God’s behalf, that if they would keep God’s law, they would be abundantly blessed in every area of their lives. In particular, Moses told them that their homes would be like “heaven upon…earth” (Deut 11:21). He painted a beautiful picture of contentment and unbroken harmony. Such was the level of home life God had planned for His people.

Jesus’ standard of Marriage.
The fuller revelation of marriage comes to us through Jesus Christ. Earlier revelations were given to man-kind through the prophet Malachi to the children of Israel, but they failed to follow the principles which God laid for them about marriage. The essence of Jesus’ teaching on marriage is contained in a conversation He had with some Pharisees as we read in Matt 19:3-9. We may sum up the teaching of Jesus in this passage in four successive statements;

1. The form of marriage that had become accepted in Israel under Judaism was below the level of God’s will.
2. God’s real purpose for marriage was expressed when He originally created man and woman.
3. In the initial union of man and woman, they were so perfectly joined together that they lost their separate identities
and became “one flesh”
4. It is the purpose of Jesus to restore marriage in the lives of His disciples to the original standard revealed at creation.

If we consider the account in Genesis chapters 1 and 2 of the creation and union of Adam and Eve, one fact is emphasized throughout: God Himself was directly and personally involved. It was His decision, not Adam’s, that Adam should have a mate; it was He who formed Eve from Adam; it was He who presented her to Adam; and it was He who established the terms of the covenant relationship in which He united them. According to His unchanging purpose, marriage is a covenant, which is the secret that alone ensures the success of the marriage relationship (Prince, D., 1978). Therefore, it is correct to say that, all through the Old Testament, marriage was viewed as a covenant relationship. However, the concept that developed under Judaism was on a lower level than that which had found expression at creation. Under Judaism, the covenant relationship was viewed as being merely horizontal – between a man and a woman. But the covenant relationship established at creation had two dimensions: horizontal and vertical. Horizontally, it related Adam and Eve to each other; and vertically, it related the two of them together to God. A covenant expresses a relationship which God Himself sovereignly initiates out of His own choice and decision. God never enters into a permanent relationship apart from a covenant (Prince, D., 1978)

A Cord of Three Strands.
A passage in Ecclesiastes 4: 9-12 expresses in allegorical terms the difference between these two levels of marriage: Two are better than one…..A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. The principle from which Solomon starts, “Two are better than one” agrees with the reason that God gave originally for providing a mate for Adam, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen 2:18). Solomon goes on to give three examples that clearly illustrate this principle; when two are together and one falls, the other can help him up; if two lie down together, they keep each other warm; if two are attacked, together they can drive off the attacker. But the last example that Solomon gives is different: “A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart”. In this case, the strength is supplied not merely by the two together, but by three together. We may use Solomon’s pictures to illustrate the difference we have observed between the concept of marriage under Judaism and the concept of marriage that was initiated by God Himself at creation. Solomon’s first three examples of “two together” illustrate the concept of marriage on the human plane, a horizontal relationship, merely between a man and a woman. But Solomon’s fourth picture- “the cord of three strands”- illustrates marriage as it was conceived at creation, a binding together of three persons: a man, a woman, and God. The relationship between the man and the woman is still on the human plane; but when God is added to the relationship, it introduces a new dimension. He becomes an integral part of the marriage. One of the most revolutionary features of the teaching of Jesus was His stand on marriage. He refused to settle for anything less than the original purpose of God. For this reason, Solomon’s picture of “a cord of three strands” not only illustrates the pattern of marriage established at creation, it also portrays just as accurately the pattern of marriage for believers today who are united through their faith in Christ. The three strands are the man, the woman, and God. The principle that binds them inseparably together is Covenant. What Solomon says of a cord thus formed is still true today; it “is not quickly torn apart”.

Marriage has a Three-fold Purpose.

Unitive (oneness in body): “And the two shall be one flesh” (Gen 2:24), yet maintaining their individuality. According to Peck, a true acceptance of one’s own and each other’s individuality is the foundation on which a mature marriage is based, and real love can grow (Peck M.S., 2003).

Procreative: “Be ye fruitful and multiply” (Gen 1:26-28). Being used as instruments to propagate the human race, yet being open to the will `of God if children are not forthcoming.

Mutual Support (soul & spiritual oneness): This aspect reflects a mutual support and comfort for one another through maturity and spiritual growth.

Moreover, it is very essential for a couple anticipating marriage to be honest with each other. If there are any impediments to the union which either one has not disclosed, they will bear the consequences of their dishonesty at the final reckoning. Physical problems or illness, addiction to alcohol, drugs or tobacco, and promiscuity must all be confessed. Honesty is mandatory for a fruitful relationship. If permanence is the goal in marriage, then marriage should be founded on honesty.

Compatibility.
The couple contemplating to get married should make sure that they are compatible to each other. They need to have enough opportunities to get to know each other and mutually discuss issues that are likely to arise after marriage. Given below are some of the issues that must be thought over individually and together with the help of a counselor and discussed soberly and prayerfully, so that true compatibility can be established. The issues that must be carefully considered to help establish the maturity of the couple contemplating marriage, as well as determining their compatibility are as follows:

1. Why do you want to get married? The couple must analyze the reasons for getting married. Are they getting married because it is a societal norm? Or is it because they think it is romantic and exciting? Are they getting married because of loneliness or for wealth and power? Marrying merely for any of these reasons degrades God’s sacrament of marriage.

2. Do you believe in the permanence of marriage? The couple contemplating marriage should have clear views on divorce and separation. Marriage is God’s design, but divorce is against the design and the blueprint which God had prepared for man-kind and it breaks the exclusive covenant of marriage, “till death do us part”.

3. What are your views on family planning? The couple must also be honest and open about their views on abortion, sterilization, infertility and adoption.

4. Do you believe in fidelity in marriage? The couple needs to have an understanding about being self-controlled and pure, living by the Spirit (Gal 5:17.19). They also have to be clear on their views on extra-marital liaisons and about the gay and lesbian lifestyles. The only alternative to a heterosexual marriage is celibacy as homosexuality violates God’s marriage ideal.

5. How would you tackle domestic violence? The couple contemplating marriage must have a clear understanding about how they would tackle violence physically, emotionally or sexual abuse. They need to understand that they both are uncut diamonds without price. They are unique and irreplaceable. How do they handle each other? Their words, their actions, and their mindless chipping away have the potential to make or break their partner. Even if they are in a situation in the future where they do not agree upon each other’s ideas, they need to share their ideas gently, and even if one partner fails to acknowledge his/her idea, he/she has to understand that they are still driven by their deep love for him/her.

6. Are you prepared for total commitment? The couple needs to ensure whether they are prepared and ready to make a total commitment to their marriage and transparency in dealings with each other. It is imperative for them to understand that “Marriage goes on better with esteem and confidence than with romance” (Bryon, L).

7. What do you understand to be the meanings of equality, submission and love? Genuine love is self-replenishing. The more it gives, the more it grows. It is not a clinging, possessive love that strangles the spouse. Such a person is so preoccupied by the need to be loved that he/she has no energy to love. Love is when two people who are quite capable of living without each other, do so by choice. The purpose is mutual nurture and growth. Submission is not servility; neither does it stand for inequality. As John Stott said, “Headship of the husband is more of care than control, more of responsibility than authority” (Stott, J.R.W., 1984).

8. Do you have a healthy attitude toward sex and sexuality? Physical intimacy is ordained by God. There is a need for openness between partners in all matters pertaining to sex. Sex should not only bring pleasure, but be a method of communication and spiritual commitment.

9. What is your attitude regarding parental responsibilities? The couple needs to understand each other’s ideas about nurturing children and their feelings about women working outside the home. They also need to understand each other’s response in coping with poverty, unemployment or the death of a child.

10. To what extent would you tolerate parental interference in your lives? The mandate is “to leave” – an emotional, psychological and physical detachment, as well as a change in relationships. In many cultures, though there may be a physical separation from parents, the concept of the non-residential extended family is very much in evidence. Parents refuse to let go, continuing to impose their will on their children, often leading to problems between the newly married husband and wife.

11. What about your spiritual life? The couple needs to make sure if his/her partner is from the same faith. Would he/she be happy with someone who does not honor God, or with someone who differs from him/her on the fundamental things of life? Mixed marriages can sometimes be an awful mistake to make. It is important to find a partner in the will of God, because wrong choices can have tragic consequences. “Be not unequally yoked together with unbelievers” is something for them to remember.

12. Have you done a self-appraisal? Marriage calls for hard work and total commitment from both partners. They need to analyze if they have the sterling qualities of courage, patience, unselfishness and endurance to invest in their marriage. Marriage also requires an ability to adapt and to resolve disputes before they escalate into a war.

Conclusion.
Every marriage has its share of marital conflicts, its ups and downs. To be forewarned is to be forearmed. After having prayerfully discussed all these vital issues, the counselor can definitely conclude whether the pair contemplating marriage is compatible or not. If the points on which they differ far exceed the ones on which they agree, they must seriously reconsider their plans. Howard Markham, a US professor, has created a test to predict which marriages will end in divorce, even before they tie the knot. Refusal to see the other’s point of view, trading insults, and lack of communication are some of the qualities he sees as signs of a doomed marriage (Markham, H., 2001).

It is therefore better not be trapped in a marriage which wont work. If the pastor is convinced by himself or through the counselor that the pair is incompatible, he is well within his rights to refuse permission for marriage. The church has the responsibility of upholding the scriptural ethics of marriage and exercising its own discipline. However, if the problems or differences are not insurmountable, another session of counseling and prayer may help them to overcome wrong attitudes and sort out their difference. Vigilance and concern on the part of the church regarding Christian marriages will go a long way in ensuring durability and permanence, preventing marriages that are doomed for failure, and building a community that reflects the love of the Lord for His Church.

Copyright 2006 Jerrickson Daniel. All rights reserved. Reproduction with acknowledgement permitted.May God bless you!